This is a personal blog where I keep myself up to date with latest media. Interesting stuffs will be posted here although I focus mainly on current issues, weird news, gadgets, photos, race cars and Asia/Hollywood Entertainment. I hope you enjoy Arloo stuffs.
16 funniest one-liners
Tuesday, November 01, 2005 by 
Agent W
I was just reading my quotes archive and found some funny one liners. I think those one liners worth a post so here they are.
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy and the tallest guy in the National Basketball Association is Chinese."
-Chris Rock
"A guy know's he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days."
-Tim Allen
"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
-Henny Youngman
"You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish."
-Jerry Seinfeld
"A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it."
-Bob Hope
"I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair."
-Thom Sharp
"This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a president, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50."
-Jay Leno
"I figure you have the same chance of winning lottery whether you play or not."
-Fran Lebowitz
"Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend."
-Zenna Schaffer
"It's not that I'm afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
-Woddy Allen
"I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them."
-Bette Midler
"I've been on a calender, but I've never been on time."
-Marilyn Monroe
"If God meant us to be naked, he would have made our skin fit better."
-Maureen Murphy
"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it."
-Sam Levenson
"If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?"
-Vince Lombardi
Guys, thank you for visiting my blog. Apparently, some people think that above one liners are not funny. I think they are funny, clean and witty. That's why I posted them on my blog. And I am sure there aren't any misquote. Anyway, thanks for visiting and leaving comments. :) Maybe Rodney Dangerfield can make funnier one liners. Read on.
Rodney Dangerfield 1 Liners
I know what day of the week you were born. I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.
I'm so ugly. My mother had morning sickness, AFTER I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy and the tallest guy in the National Basketball Association is Chinese."
-Chris Rock
"A guy know's he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days."
-Tim Allen
"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
-Henny Youngman
"You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish."
-Jerry Seinfeld
"A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it."
-Bob Hope
"I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair."
-Thom Sharp
"This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a president, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50."
-Jay Leno
"I figure you have the same chance of winning lottery whether you play or not."
-Fran Lebowitz
"Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend."
-Zenna Schaffer
"It's not that I'm afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
-Woddy Allen
"I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them."
-Bette Midler
"I've been on a calender, but I've never been on time."
-Marilyn Monroe
"If God meant us to be naked, he would have made our skin fit better."
-Maureen Murphy
"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it."
-Sam Levenson
"If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?"
-Vince Lombardi
Guys, thank you for visiting my blog. Apparently, some people think that above one liners are not funny. I think they are funny, clean and witty. That's why I posted them on my blog. And I am sure there aren't any misquote. Anyway, thanks for visiting and leaving comments. :) Maybe Rodney Dangerfield can make funnier one liners. Read on.
Rodney Dangerfield 1 Liners
I know what day of the week you were born. I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.
I'm so ugly. My mother had morning sickness, AFTER I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
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View all posts in this month or previous months here. There are lots of weird and funny stuffs inside.
now kids daddy only drank so the statue of liberty would take her clothes off
I may be dirty and smelly... but in the dark... I'm just smelly
there's nothing wrong w/ G rated movies... as long as there's lots of sex and violence
oh wow... it's like that drung trip I saw in that movie when I was on that drug trip
when I go into a bar I don't go strait for the 10... I go for the 6 and drink till she's an 8
show me a man who hasn't said shit and I'll show U a man that's full of shit
the best way to fuck a sheep is over a cliff cuz when they look down they go backwards
A lot of Simpsons and Futurama quotes in there. Lot of misquotes at that also.
And some of them are nothing more than ripped off versions.
Like that "teach a man how to fish" one. That's an old Chinese proverb, only slightly altered.
Bleh.
And AsiaPrime is clearly a moron.
I wish these negative MF's would just crawl back into wherever and do whatever.
"i had a parrot once, and he could talk, but he couldn't say i'm hungry, so he died."
"every book is a children's book if the kid can read."
"my fake plants died because i didn't pretend to water them."
"i have no problem not listening to the temptations which is weird."
"do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?"
"i like the fed ex guy because he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it."
"i went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck. don't go see dr. acula"
"i got a ant farm, them fellas didn't grow shit."
"i was gonna have my teeth whitenned but then i said, 'fuck that i'll just get a tan instead.'"
actually only one was from futurama/simpsons not as big of a futurama fan as U think eh???
quotes are from... (character name, show/movie)
peter griffen, family guy
homeless guy, 8 crazy nights
elvira, elvira mistress of the dark
fry, futurama
ken titus, titus
mays gilliam, head of state
a guy that lived in my building
Anyway, a couple of the quotes were amusing, but none were laugh-out-loud, nor could they be considered "funniest" by any stretch of the imagination.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands, then they'll think you're cocky.
Thanks for the post up :)
save it for the cosby show or cheers or wtf ever you're on on nick-@-nite
man you piece of shit.
"Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics, even if you win, you're still a retard."
Thanks!
I get no respect. Once i went to my proctologist, and the guy stuck his finger in my mouth!
- Dangerfield
I love club sandwiches, but I never joined the club. I don't know how I keep getting away with it.
- Mitch Headburg
This isn't really a one liner so to speak, but i read this while on the can in a US or People mag or some other crap. Made me laugh and then disgusted almost at the same time. This is Paula Abduls Publicist talking about a confrontation Paula had with some punk (i can't remember the article, but it was lame)
It's like she was drinking diva juice - Some Random Douche Bag
I say ok now I understand. Then I say mommy? Why are you hunchedback also?
Mommy replied: Because mommy has a big dick to.
ebrius_Cantus@yahoo.com
For the rest of us that found it amusing however little, Keep posting more one liners...
:-)
good jokes
plus the people who think colour of the skin makes a difference with your brain or IQ are stupidest one whatever your skin color be black; white; brown; yellow or whatever color you have or you think you have. Plus get a life and automatically your humor and IQ increases; so please go ahead and get it rather wasting your time in futile attempts and "vagueries of perception".
Peace V
I'm sorry those have to be the lamest ones I've heard! Half of them make no sense, and seem to be aimed towards kids, that'll laugh when an audience laughs. I like the poster's ones, they are just fine.
"Maybe tonight your ip adress will be simillar to mine"
"I am a gm you know"
"If you sleep with me il get you a level up"
"Your computer or mine?"
"Wanna exchange workgroups?"
"Wanna come to my server and party?"
"So, want me to hack you tonight?"
"My computer crashed, can i use yours?"
"I don't remember you being in my friend list"
"Can i have your addy?"
"Hey, i have a webcam"
"What's your subnet masker"
"By the look in your eyes i can tell your core frequency matches mine"
"Want me to give you service pack 2?"
"Do you come with a manual or should i make you one?"
"Want me to put my hard disk on your ide cable?"
"Why don't you come over and let me plug in my network cable"
"I just got an upgrade wink.gif"
"Wanna benchmark me"
"HEY!... didn't I see you on E-bay?"
"Got any virusses I can delete?"
"You and I.... we.... we are ... compatible!"
Damn hahahahh....,
Your Jokes are the Best Man...,
Aint laughed so much in years...
And as an IT expert the BEST, never really though you can flirt with a girl using Computer Jargonzzz...lol luv man...
keep it up!!!
The jokes, only the first one's where kinda funny, the rest of then sucked, or thay where just stupid common sence ...
Peace
R.I.P.
"I know alot about cars. I can look at a cars headlights and tell you exactly which way its comin'"
"I used to do drugs. I still do but I used to, too."
"Damn man, what crawled up your ass and died?"
"Have no fear, for i, Rectum the flatulent is here!"
"If you gave me a dime for every time you said that, i'd have one dime now!"
"People always tell me i can't see past my nose, so i got some surgery."
"I hit a car once, it hit back"
oooohhhhhhh i have another one btw, NERDY REJECTIONS!
"Firewall!"
"You have just been timed out."
"Hahahahahahaha, your so funny.... BAN"
"Sorry, your power supply just can't support me"
"You're so outdated."
"Sorry i don't date virusses"
"Damn, your hard disk seems to have gone limp"
"Sorry, i just put you on mute."
"Damn chatterbox, you talk like your 7.1 surround"
"And just when you thought the world would run out of assholes...another one pops up. I wish these negative MF's would just crawl back into wherever and do whatever."
- Blogger "Gabriel"
What an ironic statement, Gabriel!
http://www.notso.com/wright.htm
HAHAHAHa...loved it....wasn't gonna post anything till I read this....summed up this entire blog....
this is all just shit!
go back to your pie in the face you stupid americans!
wankers!
"9. Anonymous at November 25, 2005 11:42 PM
How lame.
And some of them are nothing more than ripped off versions.
Like that "teach a man how to fish" one. That's an old Chinese proverb, only slightly altered.
Bleh..............."
Fuckin Mong, jebus said that ya silly turd
oh man. i don't know why that always makes me laugh so hard.
can't remember who said that but it was funny
I've never seen so many people fighting about such asinine crap. all of you people flaming each other are retards. It's just the internet. It's not a big deal....really. Oh, also to the people who are going to call me a hypocrite, go fuck yourself. Why don't we argue about who is the biggest douche? That sounds like great idea. Fuckin idiots
Oh yeah and if you took me seriously than you really are stupid. Later fuckers
I too am a broken hearted Mitch Hedberg fan. Please... if you haven't seen or heard him it's worth some of your time to do so. You really have to hear his stuff from the horse’s mouth to fully appreciate it.
Here’s a favorite bit: (again, funnier when you hear him say it)
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said no, but I’d like a regular banana later, so YEAHHHH!
Anyhow …please gang …lighten up!
My personal favorite comedian and part-time legend is Bill Hicks. If you haven't you should definitely give him a look-see :)
Ignore the teenagers looking for attention with their negative comments - the internet is becoming a very dire place because of them. I remember the early days and how useful it used to be -sigh-
I had no idea Rodney Dangerfield was so funny....I'm not a huge fan of what I've seen before, but maybe it's just his style of delivery that doesn't quite appeal to me...but his material is great....really made me laugh to my surprise. And yeah Mitch Hedburg....man that guy cracks me up so hard...haha rest in peace bud.
BTW, Mr. Anonymous... You call americans STUPID but you use the gayest word ever... WANKERS!
lol.... wankers... LOL... your a tool!
"And I thought low speed car chases were boring."
BTW, here's another lamo joke to add to the pluralistic ignorance here:
Q: What did O.J. type in his last chat session?
ANS: Slash slash backslash escape.
-D
Anyone want to take a bubble bath with me? I scrub your back you scrub mine and then we can go have a beer and talk about football! Who wants to be the wide receiver and who wants to be the tight end?
ok all peace out!...notice i never said "aye" or "aboot" lol... stupid stereotypes u americans got arent even true :P
and your space program wouldnt be as bad as china's but there would be no CANADARM(that thing they use to fix and build the space stations) which is pretty important for the advancment of space travel, and one question, why does any country need enough nukes to destroy the world eleven times over? man, talk about a waste in money, what ever happened to the good old days, when you would just go and fire bomb an entirely civilian city? sigh... i have so much against america, man, i wish sum1 would get bush out of power, i mean you empeach(probably spelt wrong but oh well) one president for lieing about sleeping with a woman, but you support the other one who lies about the reason he got over a thousand american soldiers, and many more innocent iraqi civilians, and the occasional POW that was just rescued, and a bunch of allied troops killed.
man, america really is that guy who comes to a party uninvited, and doesnt understand that no1 wants him there... lol operation "iraqi freedom" MY ASS... more like opperation "oil grab"...sigh... btw, i dont mind smart americans, like john stewart or bill maher, its the idiots who think that canada is always under snow who actually come in summer time with skis on their car, or the americans who believe that gays are bad(im not gay btw) or that god is the only way and that evolution is the devils work... or that all countries need your repressed views of freedom... funny thing, the only thing that america changed in iraq, is that now the innocent ppl there no longer know who's gonna kill them, before, if sum1 was killed it was because they spoke against sadam, and every1 knew sadam killed them, nowadays, ppl die either by insurgents, rebels or americans, and most iraqi's still dont have electricity, thanks to the effective american bombing hehehe... i wanna see what ppl have to say about this... im sure a bunch of americans are gonna be pissed, but oh well tough luck, c'est la vie(thats french btw) lol see yeah all
YAY
EVERYONES CRAZY
GO THE FUNNY PPL
BECOME A CHRSITIAN
IT WILL ANSWER ALL UR QUESTIONS
See ya.
But I do have to say.. I went into Google and typed in "Funniest EVER one liners" Very disappointed when this page come up!
Danoz
"Am I saying the guy's a crook? I'm saying he's got more rackets going than an octopus playing tennis".
"He has a record longer than the complete works of Mozart".
"Watching her undress was like peeling an onion. The more layers that came off, the more my eyes watered".
"I think my girlfriend doesn't like me anymore. At a party last night she said someone wants me the other side of the room. I said "Who?" She said "Me."
US Army Infantry! Opperation Iraqi Freedom! Goin back to kill some more! God Bless the USA! Our President knows that Americans hate anything un-American... so he lets us kill anyone who is. :)
***R341i57***
Funny Quotes and Jokes
When dealing with others, never, EVER forget that they are in reality Pleistocene hunter-gatherers who are only acting like civilized people -- and doing it rather badly.
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!
RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!
EXCUSE ME I NEED TO GET ME A SANDWICH! OH I AM JUST SO FAT!
I LOVE PIE!
MY HARD DRIVE IS GETTING UPGRADED TO 750 GIGABYTES! YOU N00BS COULDN'T STAND A CHANCE AGAINST MY L33T HACKYNESS! BLAH BLAH BLAH!
IM WASTING MY TIME ON A ONE LINER BLOGGING WEBSITE!
by the way - i love watching Dr Who and other extremely nerdy t.v. shows on my 37 inch l33t monitor.
BROWN NUGGETS!
YOUR BIRTH CETTIFICATES ARE JUST AN APOLOGY LETTER FROM THE CONDOM FACTORY!
im too fat too keep typing so im going to go get turn on my hyper-733t admin access auto typer thing.
BLAH BLAH BLAH!
IM A BIG FAT MAN
GRRRR....
I LOVE EVERYBODY!
fat man out
(p.s. im not the fat man)
(pss i actually am)
BLAH BLAH BLAH
RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE
september 11... what happened on that date again that was important?
oh thats right...
YOU MET MEEEE!